The Lie…

I’ve always been an optimist.

I blame my Dad for this-he is the most “sunny ways” person I know. He instilled in me that every situation, regardless of it’s level of awful, can have a silver outline. He takes the darkest of times and sees the positive light of day.

It’s good, but bad.

It’s made me an optimistic liar. 

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For you see, thanks to my optimistic view of life I lie to myself all the time.

I wakeup and say “today I’ll drink less coffee, eat healthy and really walk the dog!”

I make promises I know I’ll never keep. For example last week, when I vowed not to eat dairy, but then happily consumed a slice of pizza when it stared me in the face.

I like to think I can achieve anything. A positive trait one would think. I also try and see the good in every situation. Achievement, and optimism…both good qualities? Ones you’d put in an interview list for sure!

However, sometimes these views make me believe things that are untrue. Only to face disappointment.

I tell myself optimistic lies all the time.

Bad grade? I’ll do better next assignment! I’ll makeup those attendance marks by talking a-ton in the last few weeks.

A relationship on the tumble? Optimist me sees possibility, focuses on good times, dreams of hope in the end.

…My hair pulling is never exempt from my optimism in particular.

I lie about my Trichotillomania the most.

Wearing a hat? Today I won’t pull my hair!

New haircut? There. I won’t ruin this one. This haircut will make things better…there’s one hair out of place, need to fix that.

New apartment? I won’t pull my hair here. This is a pull-free zone…sits on couch, pulls hair.

New relationship? I won’t pull my hair around this person…pulls hair the minute the person leaves the room.

I don’t need to get help for this, I’m in control…sits on couch and pulls hair out by clumps.

Lies to ourselves are just things of desire. Although no matter how optimistic or well aimed they may be, they’re detrimental to success and to ourselves.

I’m know I won’t magically become truthful to myself overnight. Nor do I want to. I also know I’m not going to become a pessimist. Bright side views and sunny ways is who I am. Who I was raised to be, and love that about myself.

Instead I’m going to aim to be critical. Critical of thoughts, critical of lies, critical of views. Aiming instead for goals with tangible targets, and points of success. I’ll be different this time around…

Or at least that’s what I’m telling myself.

 

 

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When things are good.

Sometimes it’s hard to write when you’re feeling good. Sometimes it’ scary.

I’ve been struggling to write lately.

Struggling to find a topic, struggling to sit still and write, struggling to find the motivation. Partly I think it’s because I’m not struggling right now, things are good.

When I started blogging there was no goal. There was just a need to talk, to write and to reach-out. When I started blogging pulling was fine. It was there, but it was alright.

As the blogging progressed passed the first #7DayTrichster series it was alright, but things were also not fantastic. Stress, an odd time emotionally and other life events got in the way. Pulling was bad.

Listening to the stories of others is hard emotionally, rewarding yes, but hard on the brain. I found myself frustrated by the lack of awareness, of endlessly hearing of the lack of support. Of hearing others struggle I became exhausted.

Writing more meant dealing with more.

Every blog, every share made me want to pull more. Made me more frustrated, more sad.

Things have turned around now, things are looking up. Things are good. 

So now I sit here re-evaluating. Not only for myself but for all those with Body-Focused Repetitive Behaviours. Do I keep writing, despite not feeling it? Or do I focus on something else? Do I continue to share via this blog when the feeling strikes?

I don’t know.

I’m in a good place, but an odd one. Bare with me folks. I’ll be back.

In the meantime I’d love some inspiration- send me some ideas? 

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Let’s Connect! Want to collaborate? Suggest a post? Ask a question? Meet to chat? I’m all ears! Send me an email or connect via @AnaSmallwood on twitter or  @timetotalktrich instagram.